PARENTAL ADVISORY: The truth can be devastating

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Jan. 20th, 2010

Stalker.

mood:

angry

It all started back when I was dating Nacho over two years ago.
I thought people were being mean and harsh when they made fun of you and talked shit about you so I gave friendship a chance when you started talking to me because I figured you were probably just a nice guy. I ignored the fact that you constantly texted me because I figured it was because I was a new friend and you wanted to get to know me. Then you started calling me "hun, sweety, cutie, sexy, hottie", etc. That's when I started to get a little creeped out because we never even really hung out in person and only communicated through text. At first it was flattering to think that you thought of me that way but then it just became creepy. I don't know why I ever found it flattering in the first place, I was in a relationship for crying out loud. You don't talk that way to a woman you KNOW is taken. I should have listened to the people that told me to be wary of you, but I was too nice for my own damn good. Plus you talk to every other girl like that and they're probably all in the same boat as me right now. You're a fucking creep. You started asking me inappropriate personal and sexual questions and would try to talk dirty to me over the phone and ask me to send you nude pics you pervert, ew.
Eventually Nacho and I broke up and the clinginess got worse because I was single and you wanted me even though I tried to make it clear that I didn't have those feelings for you. after a while I met Zach and started talking to him and you flipped out and kept putting Zach down and telling me I shouldn't hang out with him and trying to control and manipulate my life. I told you that it was my life and that my relationships were none of your business and then you called me a fucking whore and didn't talk to me for a couple months. Then you started talking to me again like it had never happened. It caused verbal altercations between you and Zach and almost ended up turning into a physical fight because you wouldn't stay the fuck away. The fight between you and Zach resulted in you not talking directly to me for a couple of months once again. I'm not stupid though, I know it was you that sent those truth box messages on myspace about how I'm the girl of your dreams and you want to be my knight in shining armor and you want me to be the one who you wake up to every morning. You did that same stuff while I was going out with Nacho too and each time I ignored it. With each boyfriend, you would aslo talk shit about them in those messages saying that I'd never be happy until they were out of the picture and that you don't feel they were the right type of guy for me blah blah blah.
This past summer, you were up to your usual creepy stalker escapades and I figred that I wasn't being direct enough with you about leaving me alone. My cousin Meghan told you to fuck off but you were deluded into thinking that I WANTED you, you even said it yourself. Meghan pretty much threatened to kill you because you made a comment that the only reason she was interfering is because she wanted you too. She's married, and to someone that could squash you like a bug with one hand. That's the night Justin and I started dating. You once again didn't talk to me for several months but you left a message in my truth box saying I was a fucking whore (stop denying it, I know it was you), and you blew by me on rt. 124 one day when I was on my way to see Justin at work. You were close enough that if your truck were lower, you could have taken both of our mirrors off and potentially caused an accident. You did it because you need a big truck not to feel like a gutless turd. I saw you a few days later though and when you saw the look on my face you did an about face and walked away with your tail between your fucking legs because you're a passive agressive coward.
Now, once again, you start texting me again like none of that shit ever happened. Seriously, do you just sit around waiting and hoping that my relationships will end so that you might still have a chance? Because you never have, don't now, and never will. Its like you fucking KNOW whenever a realtionship of mine ends. That's probably exactly what it is too, are you fucking keeping tabs on me? Or is it just coincidence? Either way its fucking sketchy so knock it off.
Omfg one night when you asked what I was doing, I said "just watching TV, u?" and you replied with "I'm at the end of your driveway". When I asked if I'd heard that correctly, you said you were at home. I couldn't sleep after that and I shut all the curtains and windows in my house and made sure, TWICE, that each door was locked as well as the bulk head. You also would never take no for an answer when I told you I didn't want to hang out. I didn't tell you its because you were a fucking creep because for whatever reason, I didn't want to hurt your feelings. You wouldn't listen though, you would nag me through texts and when I stopped replying to them, you would start calling over and over again. Towards the beginning of the nagging, I wasn't as bothered by it because it hadn't gotten worse yet so I hung out with you one night and went for a ride. I should have realized the first red flag was the fact that it was night time and you took me to some path next to grassy pond. Then you fucking asked me to go for a walk IN THE DARK WOODS WITH YOU. I'm not THAT stupid. You came around to my side of the truck and tried to lift me out just "jokingly" and I should have kicked you in the balls as hard as I could and taken off in your truck when I had the chance. I only felt remotely safe around you after that if it was broad daylight in public or if we were in a car full of friends. Even then you would try to put your arm around me or hold my hand or rub my thigh. Heres some advice, me cringing away from you and sitting as far away from you as the seat would allow is not body language that suggests that I want your hands anywhere near me. I never thought I'd say this but you are WORSE THAN NACHO. Nacho, the mentally ill antisocial schizophrenic, emotionally abusive ex boyfriend. At least HE gets the hint that I don't want to talk to him anymore and he leaves me the fuck alone.
I can't take it anymore, you're a fucking creeper and at the first sign of acting like you did in the past, I'm getting a restraining order. It makes me wonder how many other restraining orders you may have out for you. I know you flirt with all the other girls, but do you act as fucking weird as you do with me? Are you like this with every girl? If so, that's even worse with just one! You're lucky that a restraining order is ALL I would do because I've got plenty family members and friends who would love to beat the shit out of you because of how you act towards me. That's right, I told them; as well as every other girl that might talk to you so they don't make the mistake of finding out the hard way how much of a weirdo you are.
GET OUT OF MY LIFE AND STAY OUT THIS TIME FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Posted at 09:45 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

Jan. 4th, 2010

Winter blues.

mood:

blah

During the spring, summer, and early fall, the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is get my breakfast and my coffee. But lately, the first thing I've been doing is going and sitting directly in front of the pellet stove until the shivers from getting out from underneath my warm covers wear off. During the milder weather months, I would watch TV, play with my pets, and maybe chat with my mom while I waited until it was time to leave for school. Now, I spend that otherwise free time scraping off and warming up my car (sometimes shoveling around it too). Needless to say, I'm not that fond of winter.
       Actually, its not that I'm "not that fond" of it, its that I hate it. All of the leaves are no longer various bright colors like they were when autumn was still tolerable. Now they're all just this ugly brownish orange color and they cover the ground because none of them are left on the trees. The grass has died and all that's left of the outdoors is the swatch of more dull, grayish colors of the tree trunks and the too-dark shade of green of all the pines and other firs; everything just looks so dead and ominous, like a setting for a horror movie. The days are shorter and the temperature is lower which means the unavoidable winter snow isn't far off. My family can't wait for snow because it means ice fishing, snow mobiling, and making extra money plowing. I however, can't stand the snow, it feels suffocating. The roads get narrower because the snow banks on either side take up half of the space. Places no longer feel as wide-open as before because a foot of snow is covering everything. Parking lots shrink, you're often trapped in your own driveway, and there are giant mountains of snow taking up whatever extra space the town has because there's nowhere else to put it.
       I hate the dirty feeling of winter too. The roads have been sprinkled with dump trucks full of sand and salt, which ends up spattering everyone's cars and making them constantly unclean. There's no use going to a car wash because you'll just get covered with more sand and salt residue on your way home. You regularly have to kick off the big slushy deposits of sand and salt that build up on the bottom of yor car when you drive. "Car boogers" my brothers and I used to call them when we were little. I also find it less than pleasant to be able to see where every dog in town has done their business. The white snow is just like a white tee shirt waiting to be dirtied.
       The colors of everyday winter life are boring as well. Not just the forest and the dirty snow, but the people too, because everyone's bundled up and hidden under their winter gear. The most color I see on people nowadays is the red on the wind-burned ears and faces of the people who forgot to wear a hat. Everybody's face also seems to be frozen into a scowl when they're out in the cold. I miss being able to wear my brightly colored summery tank tops. I miss being able to walk around the yard barefoot. I miss the bright green of the trees and the grass, and how nice it is to see the sun shine through them. I miss not having to stay indoors for warmth; I miss the sun's heat. I miss the longer days, and the warmer nights. I miss the sound of the peepers when I drive by the swamp at night with the moon roof open. I miss the way it smells when it rains in the summer, as opposed to the way it smells when it snows in the winter. I miss wildflowers, beaches, barbecues, fireworks, camping, carnivals, and outdoor concerts. When there's a slightly warm day towards the end of winter when the snow starts melting and the sun actually feels warm, I'm euphoric. I'd choose mosquito bites and sunburn over risk of frost bite and wind burn anyday. I like hearing BOATS on the lake during the day instead of snowmobiles. I like local events where its hot enough to sell snow cones instead of cold enough to sell hot cocoa and cider. I'd rather make sand castles than snow men. Spring isn't coming fast enough.

Posted at 10:53 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

Nov. 28th, 2009

(no subject)

God I haven't written anything in here since back when I was dating Nacho. Well, I'll try to bring it up to speed without too much rambling

I started realizing that Nacho was abusive. He was emotionally abusive but from what I heard from people who had been in the same situation, it was only a matter of time before he became physically abusive too so I finally dumped him. He did two stays in a psyche ward and I heard somewhere that he was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and I can't say I'm surprised. I heard he's doing better now which is good but I still don't want anything to do with him because he just caused me too much stress in the past and I just don't think I can handle even being friends with him, because he hasn't changed THAT much.
Robert introduced me to Zach and I'm not even going to get started on the details of that right now. Too much to tell. But; he's a very manic person and we had a LOT of problems, he pulled a stunt that managed to cause a major feud between him and my brother, and the fact that Zach loves drama and feels the need to involve the cops in everything doesn't help. None of us want anything to do with him and I'm glad he broke up with me because love is blind and I didn't notice how much of an asshole he is until he was gone. More on that later
Got my first real job at Kimball Farm working on the food side. I'm looking for another job right now though because Kimball's closed for the winter. I graduated and now I'm a freshman at Mount Wachusett. I'm living at home and commuting there each day because its not that long of a drive and my car gets decent gas mileage. My student loan covered all of this years tuition and then some so I'm set for this year. The school's pretty good and I know some people and know my way around now and I'm done with all the freaking out about big changes.
Started hanging out with and then dating Justin. I met him at Meghan and Eric's wedding (he was a groomsmen, friend of Erics--and I was a bridesmaid). It just ended recently and we're still on good terms but I'm still looking for some answers because I'm still confused about some stuff. We only dated for a little under 2 months but he was already the best boyfriend I have ever had. He was absolutely nothing like Zach and Nacho. I finally met a good guy, and that's why it hurts more than the break ups I had with those other two. More on that later.
I'm 19 now and I've got 4 tattoos, all black-and-greys. A Flur De Lis on my left wrist, a fancy monogram of the letter K on my left hip, an artistic interpretation of my zodiac sign on the back of my right shoulder, and a heart on my ankle that's shaped from a bass clef and an inverted treble clef.
Became like best friends with Mary Pratt but then ended up ending our friendship for reasons that I'll get into later on. But in short, she wasn't who I thought she was.
Had a really bad anxiety relapse. I'm good now though; I got the dosage increased on my meds and they perscribed me some stuff that helps me calm down if I'm having a panic attack. It was originally used for allergies because its an antihistamine, and its non-addictive and I don't have any side effects. Plus its "take as needed" so I don't have to take it every day and wait for it to work its way into my system and balance my brain's chemistry, I just take it for panic attacks like I take ibuprofin for headaches. And I'm glad to say that I haven't been needing to use it all that often.
Discovered that I'm addicted to the Twilight saga, I'm on my 5th round of reading the books and Leslie and I just went to a premiere midnight showing of New Moon on the 20th of this month (its theater release date).
I also gained four new baby cousins, lost my aunt Gloria (rest in peace), and got my own car. The car is gorgeous, its an 04 (or 05, Idr which) Pontiac Sunfire, canary yellow, and its in perfect condition. Only had 35,000 miles on it when we bought it. Got it for $5300, which is pretty good considering the low mileage, excellent condition, and the fact that its only 5 years old. That's what I get to drive to school :]. I WAS driving the multi-colored escort (which got that way because of pieces being replaced due to an accident), which was ugly but got me from A to B and got good gas mileage. But I love this car much more and try to thank my parents for it as much as possible.

Can't think of much more to write for right now.

Posted at 11:36 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share